It’s been quite a year of exploration and learning more and more about the adoption constellation.  I ordered and read at least 20 books about adoption, adoptee journeys, adoption trauma, pre-verbal abandonment trauma and attachment theories that I had to take a break from the immersion. I was featured on several podcasts, a CBS Richmond television spot, and led two workshops last November for the Adoption Knowledge Affiliates Conference. Kate and I were on one podcast together, which was a special treat. All this exposure suddenly opened my own wounds, and I had to learn and practice coping skills to train my hardwired brain to shift from the swirl that has plagued me from my own “birth” day nearly 62 years ago.  I underestimated the toll that these newly conscious emotions and information would have on my personal life.

In my “track” Somewhere My Love, I gave the “in the FOG” version of my adoption story.  I did not know it at the time because I wrote it through the lens of the “grateful, pleasing adoptee.”  Not the adoptee that named and felt deep in her connective tissues the result of abandonment trauma, and the constant fight or flight response to doing whatever it takes to not get rejected.

Well-known and respected attorney, adoptee advocate and therapist Dr. Karen Caffery came into my world about a year ago.  I was preparing for a book signing event in my hometown in Connecticut and had recently embraced more about the trauma impacts and manifestations and thought it would be wise to invite a trauma-competent therapist to join me for further education to a little-spoken-of phenomenon.  As I mentioned in the outro of Adoption Songs, most people are led to believe that adoption is beautiful, that the parents are blessed to complete their dreams of a family- whatever the reason they sought the adoption route.  That the babies are so lucky to have been rescued from their “unwantings.” I still maintain that my adoptive parents were lovely human beings, both survivors of their own trauma, and very loving and affirming to me.  And, I masked abandonment trauma and my significant anxious attachment for decades.

“Abandonment from a parent constitutes a profound form of abandonment trauma, deeply affecting a child's emotional and psychological development. This type of trauma stems from the loss of a primary attachment figure leading to intense feelings of insecurity, worthlessness, and mistrust.” — Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS, 12 Common Signs of Abandonment Trauma, Psychology Today.

Now of course not all newborn adoptees experience this, but the data would support that it is very common.  Whether it is at a conscious level is a very different reality.  I would not have been able to name this 3 years ago.  I experienced it through the trauma of an unexpected divorce, subsequent move from a neighborhood I relished for nearly 20 years, the disintegration of my business as a result of having to deconstruct my marriage, my home, my friends, and ensure my daughter was grounded to attend a brand-new high school in a new town.  I cried uncontrollably for what seemed like months, and it was a breakthrough to recognize I was going through a manifestation of abandonment trauma. Four years later, I am grounded, confident and well aware of the signs and physical visceral reactions to the triggers of abandonment.  This most notably showed up as I entered the dating world.  I got into a relationship with someone fairly quickly, and I trusted and believed in this person almost immediately. As affirming as he was and verbally supportive of me and my journey, I was always contingency planning that it was going to end abruptly, and that I should not trust or get too reliant on him as a partner.  For a variety of reasons, the relationship ended for good after about two years, and I learned a tremendous amount.  I went into quite a depression, felt rejected and could not rewrite the unhealthy narrative that swirled in my mind.